How are YOU doing, asks everyone with a look of sadness. I say I’m doing well, and fine, and good, and I mean it. Many people have told me that the partner of the cancer patient actually deals with so much more and feels the burden of cancer even more than the patient. This might be the case for others, but I think I was built to be the partner of a cancer patient and I couldn’t feel luckier to be on this journey with Shayna.

I was in London on a work trip when I found out that Shayna had cancer. It was a Monday night and I was set to be there for the next few days. As soon as she called me, I think the first thing I said was “Okay, what are the next steps and what do we need to do to fight this thing?” I asked her if she wanted me to cut my work trip short and come home, but she said that it wasn’t necessary. She was okay. It was hard for me to be in London for a couple days, as all I wanted to do was come home to give her support, love, and reassurances, but I know that Shayna is honest with me and if she wanted me to come home and needed me, I would be there.

The day after I got back from London, Shayna and I scheduled a weekday lunch date so that she could share all of the information she gathered when I was away. She came with a meeting agenda, outlining everything she wanted to make sure I understood. While she was sharing everything that she learned from her doctors I never once, not even for a single second, thought about the potential negative outcomes. That’s just not how my mind words. Until something bad happens, nothing bad has happened.

You might say that I’m crazy and cancer is bad, but I don’t consider this to be a bad thing yet, but rather a roadblock with obstacles that has a clear path to a solution. As long as we keep pushing and doing everything we can to get Shayna all of the help she needs to beat this thing, I know that we’ll come out the other side. I’m not a naive optimist- will it be shitty sometimes and will Shayna not feel well for many days here and there, sure. But that shouldn’t dictate how we think about cancer and the path to getting past this thing.

When I tell you that I haven’t cried once since finding out the news, you might say I’m insensitive or lacking emotion. I don’t think that is the case. I think one of the things that Shayna always says is my best quality is my practicality and my ability to reason and find a solution through any situation without getting my emotions mixed in. Most people might say, cancer isn’t just a simple problem with a simple solution. I’d ask why not? With the treatments out there today and the new technologies in medicine, why can’t we look at this as the same thing or similar to getting knee surgery? Why do we have to put cancer on such a negative pedestal? What would crying do to help the situation? I’d rather give Shayna my unconditional love and positivity, and I have no reason to not feel positive.

After we found out, we had many women reach out to us with the same type of breast cancer to talk to us about their journey. They have all gone through this and are all cancer free or on their way. I truly, without a doubt, know that Shayna will be another one of these women who will be cancer free eventually. Whether it’s 6 months, a year, 2 years, it doesn’t matter. Our attitude has never been woe is me, but rather we’re gonna be okay. Attitude is everything.

Last night, as I was laying next to Shayna watching TV, I looked over and there she was with her bald head. I said to her “it’s funny, I don’t even look at you differently or think about how you have no hair”. And I swear, it’s the 100% truth. Shayna is the same person on the inside as she was the day I met her when she was 19, so what she looks like on the outside is not going to change my feelings in any way about her. Actually, I think she looks gorgeous with her bald head (think Demi Moore in GI Jane) and her face and smile can still light up a room. One thing she said to me recently was that she loved that I haven’t treated her differently and it’s the truth.

I’m a big believer that if you think positively about something, you get positive results. If you think negatively, you’re more likely to get negative results. To get more specific, I can treat her negatively like a cancer patient, or treat her positively like my wife of 5+ years/partner of 10+ years. My feelings are that if you give off a certain vibe in life you get it back. If she feels like she’s being handled with kid gloves and like a patient and not a person, that might affect her mindset and how she thinks about all of this. I want to make sure that she knows that she can still be normal through all of this and having that positive mindset can be incredibly powerful.

I’ve felt this way my whole life, but this idea was solidified to me in an interesting way a few years back. At my first ever swim class with Aidan, the first time I took him into the pool, the instructor made sure to tell us, if you’re nervous, he’ll be nervous too. If you’re calm, relaxed and smiling he will be too. Needless to say, I took this to heart and while other kids might have been crying, Aidan LOVED the pool. Same goes for Cooper now. I think this translates perfectly to life and why Shayna appreciates me not changing how I am towards her. Yes, my priorities in life have shifted so that I can be there for her at all times, but my attitude and how we are in our relationship has not changed in the slightest bit.

Bottom line is that I have the utmost confidence that we’ll get through this and I feel so lucky that I can be next to her through this journey. Hopefully, alongside the medical treatment, our positive attitudes will help to fight this thing.

Attitude is everything. #shaystrong

Day 1, Treatment Day (Tuesday): Walking into my 3rd round of AC, I was feeling anxious. It is hard walking into a building feeling great, knowing that I am about to get pumped full of drugs that are going to make me feel lousy. But, such is the bumpy road to remission.

I was happy to be with my favorite chemo nurse, Stacey, and to have some friends joining me for chemo. Stacey made sure I had ice chips and my friends brought the entertainment. Matt was there too. Overall, chemo was fine.

I spent the rest of the day resting in bed but I felt pretty good. Not overly exhausted but not fully awake either. I was more anxious for the fatigue that I thought was coming. Surprisingly, it didn’t hit me as hard as last time.

Day 2 (Wednesday): I woke up expecting to feel pretty shitty but was pleasantly surprised with how I felt. I definitely didn’t feel 100%, but I wasn’t in the foggy cloud either. It was a gorgeous day and I felt fine enough to walk with my friend Lauren to NYU to get my shot. We even went out for lunch after.

I spent the rest of the day resting in bed, but was able to binge-watch a show (Special on Netflix — Highly Recommend), read a book (Educated — Highly Recommend) and play with the boys.

Day 3 (Thursday): Matt left this morning to go on a golf trip for the weekend with his friends. My mom slept over the night before so that she could help me with the boys in the morning. I was actually able to get out of bed and help to get them ready – a huge improvement over the last treatment.

Matt and his friends have been organizing a summer golf trip for the past 7 years. When we found out that I would be having chemotherapy around the time of his trip, Matt asked me if I wanted him to back out of the trip and stay home. I didn’t even hesitate for a second before encouraging him to go on the trip. It was probably important for him to go on this trip now more than ever, as he needs and deserves a weekend to relax with his friends, play golf and detach a little bit. He was more than happy to comply. We also agreed that if he went on the trip, I would need to have help with the boys for the whole time he was away. Thankfully the grandparents and my amazing nanny were more than willing to help out.

I had a super relaxing morning of acupuncture and a massage (with a slice of pizza in between) and spent the rest of the day relaxing.

Day 4 (Friday): I woke up feeling great and was able to attend our friends’ son’s Bris. Since Matt was away, it was important to me to be able to show up and I was so happy that I felt well enough to do so. I was exhausted after, but it felt good to put on real clothes and do something normal.

Day 5 (Saturday) and beyond: Matt was away for the weekend and the boys went to my parent’s house so I was alone for 24 hours. I went for a long walk with one friend and out for brunch with another. Again, it felt great to do something normal but these normal activities sent me into total exhaustion. I went home and crashed – I didn’t leave my bed until the following morning. I binge-watched another great show (Dead to Me on Netflix — Highly Recommend), ate pasta with butter, and organized drawers in our apartment.

It’s crazy how my body reacted so differently this time. It is impossible to predict how I am going to feel each day which almost makes things harder. I am grateful that I didn’t have that awful foggy tired feeling after treatment, but I felt like even though my side effects weren’t as major, they lingered longer. Anytime I do anything, I need to take a nap after. I just don’t have stamina.

Chemo Status:

3 AC Down, 1 to go! Then, I get 2 weeks off before beginning Taxol, which I will have weekly through the summer. Excited to spend Memorial Day weekend with my family and have my final AC treatment on the 28th!

Short hair. Buzzed hair. No hair. Now what?

Before actually cutting my hair, my biggest concern was finding the right wig. The one that would look just like my real hair so you “can’t even tell” that I’m wearing a wig. I bought a great wig to match my hair from Bitz-and-Pieces and a couple of “hat wigs” from Dear Martha for a more casual look and thought that I was set.

Now that my hair is gone, I am feeling extremely conflicted over how I want to look. Everything that I put on my head feels annoying and fussy. My hat wigs are the easiest, but they are a bit uncomfortable and I’m not really a hat person. My real wig feels very heavy and a bit phony and doesn’t really look like my hair. Matt says that I just need to get used to wearing something on my head all of time and shouldn’t expect it to feel normal right away – always the voice of reason.

Deciding to part ways with my hair was easier than I thought. I’m finding that the real challenge is figuring out how to live day-to-day feeling comfortable without any hair on my head. I actually liked the way that my head looks shaved, but now it looks patchy as more hair falls out. Others have recommended head scarves but I haven’t found any that I like and I don’t even know how to tie them properly. So, what are my options?

We had plans to go out for dinner at Maialino and I knew that I would have to rip the bandaid off and wear my wig. I fussed with it all the way to the restaurant. It was itchy and in my face and just didn’t feel right. After that night I decided that maybe it just needed a fresh cut so I took my wig to Davide (Davide Hair Studio – 379 Park Ave South) and he gave it a major refresh. He took out a lot of the weight from the wig, gave it a nice shape, and made it feel better. I walked out of the salon feeling really good about my wig for the first time.

People have said that wearing a wig would make life easier, because I can, “just throw it on and go” but it is really not the same. I find that it is taking me long to get ready with my wigs that with my real hair. Even though my real hair always had a pretty flawless blowout, it was never fussy. I would throw it up in a pony most of the time. The cut on my wig is finally right but I’m still not happy with the color. I don’t really know how to style it and I’m not always comfortable wearing it, but it’s getting better.

Would love to hear any other head-covering suggestions!