Rollercoaster

It’s true that this cancer journey really is a roller coaster. After feeling mostly positive about everything that is going on (and posting about it!) I took a major downturn last Friday. I woke up early on Friday morning and just did not feel like myself. Correction: Aidan work me up at 5:30am saying, “Mom, I see the sun! It’s time to wake up!” On a good day, being woken up that early does not make me happy, but aside from wishing that Aidan would sleep until a normal hour, I woke up feeling unusually down. I couldn’t pinpoint the exact emotion that I was feeling, but it wasn’t good. I was tense, short tempered, and just not myself.

After being really unpleasant to Matthew and dropping Aidan off at camp, I walked home with Cooper and gave him straight to my nanny. I needed some time alone to figure out what I was feeling and what was making me feel that way. I cancelled my Pilates class, opting for a massage instead, and then went for a walk to try to sort out my thoughts.

Though I am usually very okay with my current situation, I just wasn’t feeling that way today. I was struggling with how I look physically – without my hair and having definitely put on a few pounds that I had worked hard to lose. I was thinking about the summer that I could have had and all of the classes that I couldn’t go to with Cooper because of my immune system. I was thinking about my boobs and how even though I certainly don’t love how they look now, I will definitely mourn the loss of my natural body after I have surgery. I let myself feel all of these emotions and it was overwhelming.

On Friday afternoons, Aidan’s camp puts on a performance. I was on my way there and decided to get an iced coffee on the way. Matt walked into to meet me at the coffee shop and I took one look at him and immediately started hysterical crying. I could barely get out the words to order my coffee. Matt asked what was wrong and I shrugged, unable to speak. We walked silently for a block while I cried and then I unloaded how I just wasn’t feeling good about myself physically and how everyone always compliments how strong I have been and it puts pressure on me to always be that way. I told him that I am just having a bad day, feeling sad, that I know that it is okay for me to feel that way and hopefully it only lasts for a little while before I go back to feeling like my normal self. He gave me a big hug and told me that he loves me and everything will be okay. I took a few deep breaths and tried to calm myself down before going in to Aidan’s show.

While I was sitting in Aidan’s show, I allowed myself to feel the importance of that moment. That Matt and I were able to be there to watch Aidan sing and dance (though he spent most of the time looking around and playing with the hem of his shirt). I could spend all of my time thinking about the moments that I am missing out on, what could have been and what the future may hold OR I could spend that time embracing the experiences that I able to have and enjoying my current reality.

On Friday night, we had family over to start my birthday celebrations and it was fun. The heavy emotions had passed and I was feeling almost like my normal self. Since the day of my diagnosis, March 25th, I have only had a few moments where I felt the weight of it all, and this was the worst. But it only lasted a couple of hours. It felt good to let myself feel, let it out, move on, and go back to living my life. I can’t say this enough, it sucks to have cancer, but it doesn’t make my life suck all the time.