Rollercoaster

It’s true that this cancer journey really is a roller coaster. After feeling mostly positive about everything that is going on (and posting about it!) I took a major downturn last Friday. I woke up early on Friday morning and just did not feel like myself. Correction: Aidan work me up at 5:30am saying, “Mom, I see the sun! It’s time to wake up!” On a good day, being woken up that early does not make me happy, but aside from wishing that Aidan would sleep until a normal hour, I woke up feeling unusually down. I couldn’t pinpoint the exact emotion that I was feeling, but it wasn’t good. I was tense, short tempered, and just not myself.

After being really unpleasant to Matthew and dropping Aidan off at camp, I walked home with Cooper and gave him straight to my nanny. I needed some time alone to figure out what I was feeling and what was making me feel that way. I cancelled my Pilates class, opting for a massage instead, and then went for a walk to try to sort out my thoughts.

Though I am usually very okay with my current situation, I just wasn’t feeling that way today. I was struggling with how I look physically – without my hair and having definitely put on a few pounds that I had worked hard to lose. I was thinking about the summer that I could have had and all of the classes that I couldn’t go to with Cooper because of my immune system. I was thinking about my boobs and how even though I certainly don’t love how they look now, I will definitely mourn the loss of my natural body after I have surgery. I let myself feel all of these emotions and it was overwhelming.

On Friday afternoons, Aidan’s camp puts on a performance. I was on my way there and decided to get an iced coffee on the way. Matt walked into to meet me at the coffee shop and I took one look at him and immediately started hysterical crying. I could barely get out the words to order my coffee. Matt asked what was wrong and I shrugged, unable to speak. We walked silently for a block while I cried and then I unloaded how I just wasn’t feeling good about myself physically and how everyone always compliments how strong I have been and it puts pressure on me to always be that way. I told him that I am just having a bad day, feeling sad, that I know that it is okay for me to feel that way and hopefully it only lasts for a little while before I go back to feeling like my normal self. He gave me a big hug and told me that he loves me and everything will be okay. I took a few deep breaths and tried to calm myself down before going in to Aidan’s show.

While I was sitting in Aidan’s show, I allowed myself to feel the importance of that moment. That Matt and I were able to be there to watch Aidan sing and dance (though he spent most of the time looking around and playing with the hem of his shirt). I could spend all of my time thinking about the moments that I am missing out on, what could have been and what the future may hold OR I could spend that time embracing the experiences that I able to have and enjoying my current reality.

On Friday night, we had family over to start my birthday celebrations and it was fun. The heavy emotions had passed and I was feeling almost like my normal self. Since the day of my diagnosis, March 25th, I have only had a few moments where I felt the weight of it all, and this was the worst. But it only lasted a couple of hours. It felt good to let myself feel, let it out, move on, and go back to living my life. I can’t say this enough, it sucks to have cancer, but it doesn’t make my life suck all the time.

2 thoughts on “Rollercoaster

  1. Being yourself and letting it all out and even crying and feeling bad can be the best remedy. It’s only human to feel this way and it makes you even more beautiful in the very special way that you are. Your stories encourage the rest of us

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  2. This isn’t abt the ‘roller coaster’ (I’ll reply to that privately via text) but re Aidan getting up at sunrise: 33 yrs ago a friend had a clever solution to that issue with her daughter who could recognize numbers 1-9. She placed a digital clock in her daughters room and taped over the minutes so it only showed the hour. Then taught her to play quietly & not wake mommy- until she saw the number 6.
    And btw that friend fought the same battle your fighting & is doing great. But it’s ok to sometimes feel the weight of the world-everyone has those moments for lots of reasons. Being kind to yourself & accepting yourself is huge.

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