Part 1

Another delay.

When I met with my doctors on Tuesday, they told me that my counts were too low for treatment. The strangest part was that I felt totally fine even though my counts were at their lowest point (0.9). Still can’t figure that one out.

While every delay is super disappointing, I was a little more okay with this one. Matt was traveling in London this week and I was scheduled to get Taxol 7 & Carbo 3. I have been able to tolerate the Taxol really well (with the exception of the itchy feet) but the Carboplatin seems to hit me a little harder. Before the delay, I was already complaining to Matthew about having to do the nights and mornings with Aidan & Cooper by myself while probably not feeling my best. Also, my birthday was also coming up that week and I had a few celebrations planned that I wanted to feel good for. So, all-in-all, I wasn’t happy about the delay, but it wasn’t the worst thing in the world.

So I took the week to really rest up. I spent ALL DAY Wednesday and Thursday in bed, went to acupuncture twice and celebrated my birthday the best that I could. Overall, I felt really good, except for the occasional itchiness.

Part 2

Day 1, Treatment Day (Tuesday): The following Tuesday I went back to NYU and my counts were up to 1.2! While meeting with my oncologist, we talked about the only real side effect that I have been experiencing – itchy feet. While I am not feeling itchy all the time, I have been experiencing “itchy spells” where my feet start to itch uncontrollably for about 20 minutes (sometimes longer). It is extremely uncomfortable, but then it goes away.

My doctor mentioned that this is not a typical side effect of Taxol and they believe that this actually could be a precursor to neuropathy. For some, neuropathy is temporary but for others it can be permanent so they want to take extra precautions and monitor my itching closely. There was some debate about lowering the dose of Taxol that I am getting, but it was decided that it is not necessary to do so at this point.

Because this treatment included Taxol and Carboplatin it took a very long time. I didn’t get home until almost 2pm and was exhausted. I took a nap and relaxed for the rest of the day.

Day 2 (Wednesday): I spent the entire day in bed resting and felt not great. I was foggy and didn’t feel sharp. It was frustrating because usually I am unaffected by the treatments but today was not a great day. 
At the end of the day, Cooper went to his Mimi’s house and I had to take Aidan to a friend’s birthday party. He had been talking about going to the party all day so I didn’t even consider missing it. After laying in bed all day, it actually felt really good to get out. 

Day 3 (Thursday): I woke up feeling pretty good. Matt and I took Aidan out for a special breakfast and Aidan helped me at the supermarket. I felt well enough to walk to the West Village to meet a friend for coffee. It was a gorgeous day and it felt really good to move my body. After coffee I walked all the way home instead of taking a cab. It just felt wasteful to not take advantage of the beautiful weather but I was exhausted when I got home and spent the rest of the afternoon in bed. I may have overdone it but it was worth it.

Day 4 (Friday): Unfortunately I still didn’t feel like my normal self by Friday. With the Taxol, I am able to bounce back right away but the Carbo really hits me. I spent the day relaxing, went for a walk, got a manicure, and had an early dinner date with Matt.

Also – strangely, I didn’t experience any itching this week. My doctors prescribed me a new medication to start when the itching came back and it has not returned. I am not sure if that means that it won’t happen again ever or if for some reason my body is tolerating the Taxol differently, but I am grateful for a week of no itching.

Chemo Status:

7 Taxol down, 5 to go!

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It’s true that this cancer journey really is a roller coaster. After feeling mostly positive about everything that is going on (and posting about it!) I took a major downturn last Friday. I woke up early on Friday morning and just did not feel like myself. Correction: Aidan work me up at 5:30am saying, “Mom, I see the sun! It’s time to wake up!” On a good day, being woken up that early does not make me happy, but aside from wishing that Aidan would sleep until a normal hour, I woke up feeling unusually down. I couldn’t pinpoint the exact emotion that I was feeling, but it wasn’t good. I was tense, short tempered, and just not myself.

After being really unpleasant to Matthew and dropping Aidan off at camp, I walked home with Cooper and gave him straight to my nanny. I needed some time alone to figure out what I was feeling and what was making me feel that way. I cancelled my Pilates class, opting for a massage instead, and then went for a walk to try to sort out my thoughts.

Though I am usually very okay with my current situation, I just wasn’t feeling that way today. I was struggling with how I look physically – without my hair and having definitely put on a few pounds that I had worked hard to lose. I was thinking about the summer that I could have had and all of the classes that I couldn’t go to with Cooper because of my immune system. I was thinking about my boobs and how even though I certainly don’t love how they look now, I will definitely mourn the loss of my natural body after I have surgery. I let myself feel all of these emotions and it was overwhelming.

On Friday afternoons, Aidan’s camp puts on a performance. I was on my way there and decided to get an iced coffee on the way. Matt walked into to meet me at the coffee shop and I took one look at him and immediately started hysterical crying. I could barely get out the words to order my coffee. Matt asked what was wrong and I shrugged, unable to speak. We walked silently for a block while I cried and then I unloaded how I just wasn’t feeling good about myself physically and how everyone always compliments how strong I have been and it puts pressure on me to always be that way. I told him that I am just having a bad day, feeling sad, that I know that it is okay for me to feel that way and hopefully it only lasts for a little while before I go back to feeling like my normal self. He gave me a big hug and told me that he loves me and everything will be okay. I took a few deep breaths and tried to calm myself down before going in to Aidan’s show.

While I was sitting in Aidan’s show, I allowed myself to feel the importance of that moment. That Matt and I were able to be there to watch Aidan sing and dance (though he spent most of the time looking around and playing with the hem of his shirt). I could spend all of my time thinking about the moments that I am missing out on, what could have been and what the future may hold OR I could spend that time embracing the experiences that I able to have and enjoying my current reality.

On Friday night, we had family over to start my birthday celebrations and it was fun. The heavy emotions had passed and I was feeling almost like my normal self. Since the day of my diagnosis, March 25th, I have only had a few moments where I felt the weight of it all, and this was the worst. But it only lasted a couple of hours. It felt good to let myself feel, let it out, move on, and go back to living my life. I can’t say this enough, it sucks to have cancer, but it doesn’t make my life suck all the time.

Day 1, Treatment Day (Tuesday): Another early morning at NYU. I was brought right in to have my blood taken, didn’t have to wait at all for my oncologist and since everything was going so quickly, she sent me up to the infusion floor before my numbers came back and said that she would stop by if there were any issues. Stacy came to let me know that my neutrophil count was 1.1, but they were going to allow me to get treated. Phew. It is strange how my neutrophil counts don’t really correlate with how I am actually feeling.

After a quick treatment, Matt and I walked home and I took a nap. I must have really needed a nap because I slept for 3 hours and missed my acupuncture appointment. Oops. Thankfully, she was able to squeeze me in at the end of the day.

Matt and I cooked dinner and went to sleep early.

Day 2 (Wednesday): I woke up feeling great and continued my Wednesday routine – I brought Aidan to camp, went to a Pilates class, had lunch with a friend, took a nap, and had a really relaxing afternoon.

Day 3 (Thursday): Another day of feeling great. Didn’t do anything special. Aidan and I both got acupuncture in the afternoon.

Day 4 (Friday): This was actually the worst day, emotionally, that I’ve had throughout this whole cancer journey. I’ll elaborate in another post but, it started out with Aidan waking me up at 5:30am and was downhill from there. Most days I feel really okay with everything going on, but I guess today wasn’t one of those days.

Physically, I am still experiencing a lot of itching in my feet and other strange parts of my body. I also have started to have knuckle pain in my left hand which is also a side effect of Taxol. For some people, the feeling is temporary and goes away once treatment is over but for others it can turn into ongoing arthritis. Hopefully, I experience the former. I have started taking epsom salt baths to relieve the pain and am addressing it with acupuncture as well.

Chemo Status:

6 Taxol down, 6 to go!

Other fun things I did this week: got stuck in the rain, had breakfast at Joe Jr., watched Aidan’s camp performance of Singing in the Rain, went to the Union Square Farmer’s Market, had a pool day, & birthday celebrations began

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