“We are not going to treat today”

These are words that I dreaded hearing. Since starting chemo I have felt like a train, going full speed trying to get to the finish line as quickly as possible. Resigned to the process but anxious to move through it.

My fourth AC session left me feeling worse than the first three and I developed a minor cough over the weekend leading up to my first Taxol treatment and even though I felt fine, the cough wouldn’t go away. The morning of my first scheduled Taxol treatment, on June 11th, I knew that I wasn’t feeling 100% and was still battling this cough but was eager to get this next phase of treatment started.

After having my I.V. put in and getting my blood work done, I met with my oncologist. She asked how was I feeling and looked over the blood results. She said that my white blood cell count was too high and that they were not going to treat me today. I looked over at Matt and I started to cry.

Of course, I know that my doctors know best. Logically I understand that if my body is not up for it, I should not be getting chemo. But, it was extremely disheartening to hear that now everything is delayed. I had been mentally preparing myself and was ready for this next stage of treatment. Now, I would have to wait another week to get started.

Up until this moment, everything about my treatments has been really smooth. I haven’t felt horrible physically or mentally. This delay definitely hit me emotionally but after a few minutes of feeling sorry for myself I got over it. On the bright side, now I get to have one more week of feeling good before Taxol begins on the 18th.

There is no denying that cancer sucks. It has completely altered everything in my life. Treatments are time consuming, annoying and make me feel awful for days. I can’t do what I want to do when I want to do it. I am completely bald. Already, I have missed dinners with friends, bachelorette parties and haven’t been able to get excited about the upcoming summer because I can’t predict how I am going to feel. It sucks.

BUT, I keep reminding myself that it doesn’t suck ALL the time. I have been so lucky that, up to this point, my side effects haven’t been completely debilitating or long-lasting. When I feel up to it, Matt and I can still do normal things. We have been able to host and go out to dinner with friends and family, attend Aidan’s school auction and new parent’s night, spend time with our friends’ new baby boy, meet for happy hours, take our kids to the park, etc.

One night this week, after dinner, Matt and I sat on our balcony, opened a bottle of wine, and just sat chatting and listening to music. It was so normal but it felt so special. If I wasn’t dealing with all of this “cancer stuff” I don’t know that I would have appreciated that moment as much.

When I’m feeling crappy or frustrated by the circumstances, I need to let myself have those moments, and then quickly remind myself to focus on the good things because it could always be worse. Even though I have cancer, that doesn’t take away from all of the other amazing things in my life. Cancer definitely sucks, but not all the time.

Day 1, Treatment Day (Tuesday): After a busy Memorial Day weekend with my family, I walked into to my fourth and final AC treatment on Tuesday morning. This treatment felt different because we didn’t get home from our weekend away until Monday night so I didn’t have as much time to mentally prepare. Actually, at dinner on Monday night at my parent’s country club Matt and I realized that we forgot that I had chemo the next day. I guess in a way that is a good thing because I was able to mentally disconnect from my treatment and just enjoy my weekend, but it also meant that I wasn’t doing any of the things that I have been doing to get ready for chemo like relaxing, taking it easy, and drinking lots and lots of water.

During my time with my oncologist we discussed the plan for my next round of treatment with Taxol and Carboplatin. I will have 12 weekly Taxol treatments, 4 of which will also include Carboplatin. She explained that the weekly Taxol treatments will be much less harsh on my system but I will still need to take care of myself as my immune system is still compromised. The treatments that have both Taxol and Carboplatin may be a bit more painful. The side effects of these drugs are diffferent from the AC. Instead of fatigue and nausea, I should look out for bone pain and neuropathy (numbness) in my fingers and toes. I will have to wear ice gloves and booties during the treatments to prevent the Taxol from getting to my fingers and toes. Everyone has been telling me that the Taxol treatments will be so much more manageable than the AC but I am afraid to get my hopes up.

Actual chemo was pretty uneventful. Thanks to Briana, I had a delicious coconut popsicle to eat during the Adriamycin. Towards the end of my treatment I started to feel tired. My skin looked very pale and I was anxious to get home. Usually, I feel totally fine and Matt and I go out for lunch but I was not feeling up to it. We took a cab home and I got right into bed for the rest of the day.

Day 2 (Wednesday): I woke up feeling just okay. I couldn’t really help the boys get ready for school (thanks Matt) and was happy that Shelby was free to take me to NYU to get my shot. I felt well enough to walk to and from the hospital but other than that, I spent the whole day in bed again.

Day 3 (Thursday): I woke up still not feeling great but today was was a big day and I was determined to feel my best. Aidan had his final CenterStage performance in the afternoon and I had my friends bridal shower at night. I was going to do whatever it took to make it to both of those events. I went to acupuncture in the morning, hoping that it would give me a burst of good energy and spent the whole day resting.

I went to Aidan’s performance and he was incredible. While I knew that he knew the words and dance moves to all of the songs, he spent most of his time on stage smiling, lifting his shirt up to show the audience his cute tummy and occasionally singing along. Mommy was proud.

Then, I went all the way to the UWS for the bridal shower. It was beautiful and Rachel was glowing. I wasn’t feeling my best and the shower didn’t start until 7pm, so I left early when I started feeling really tired. I had to miss her bachelorette party in Miami because of my treatments so I was extra happy that I was able to be a part of her shower.

Day 4 (Friday): I guess that I overdid it a little on Thursday because when I woke up on Friday I could not even get out of bed. I stayed in bed all morning and felt like I was in a fog. I made myself breakfast at home and did not have the energy to do anything but lay. Finally, at about 2pm I felt hungry again and was in the mood for pizza. I decided that I was going to walk to a local spot to get a slice. It took me 45 minutes to get myself together to leave the apartment. I felt like I was moving in slow motion.

That night we celebrated all of the family May birthdays (Matt, Jason & Chris) at our apartment. I was still feeling pretty out of it but I pulled myself together.

Day 5 (Saturday) and beyond: Even though I was still feeling pretty tired, I was still able to do fun things over the weekend. We had a play date and went out for lunch on Saturday and went out for dinner on Saturday night (with a long nap in between). On Sunday night we had family over for dinner and then Matt left for London for the week. Thankfully by that point I was feeling comfortable with him leaving.

With all of my other treatments I felt pretty good by Friday, but this time Friday was the worst day. I thought that I had a pretty good understanding of how my body would bounce back after each treatment but this round proved that as much as I would like to be able to predict how I am going to feel, I have absolutely no control over this. I can try to help myself by eating well and resting but I just have to accept that each treatment is going to effect my body differently and I have no choice but to roll with it.

Chemo Status:

FInished with AC (YAY!!)

12 rounds of Taxol (4 with Carboplatin) starting on June 11th. Hopefully it will be as manageable as everyone says!