Aside from the first couple of days after chemotherapy, I feel pretty normal. It takes 3-4 days for the major fatigue to wear off, but once it does, my life really returns to normal to the point where I have to remind myself that I am being treated for breast cancer. I go back to tutoring as much as I can, bringing Aidan to/from school, playing with Cooper, going to the supermarket, meeting friends for lunch, hosting dinners and brunches at our apartment, etc. I still try to stay away from germs and avoid playspaces and public transportation, but I did that even before cancer!

This makes the days leading up to chemo that much more anxiety filled as I know my feelings of normalcy are coming to an end and the cycle will begin again. I try to savor every last minute of family time with Matt and the boys and “running the household”, as the next few days will involve little more than laying in bed and resting.

I hate the way the chemo makes my body feel but I really think that it is working. I can physically feel the changes in my tumor and it’s pretty amazing. I keep having dreams that I show up for my chemotherapy treatments and the oncologist says, “Wow! Your cancer is gone! You can stop chemo!” While that is totally unrealistic (unfortunately), it does feel good to be going through the treatments and checking them off the list.

Tomorrow is AC #3 of 4. Almost 75% done with the first leg of this cancer journey. #shaystrong

Day 1, Treatment Day: For this round of chemo, I just wanted it to be me and Matt without any other visitors. It was nice to have that quiet time together. We both worked on our computers and chatted. Again, the chemo itself was mostly uneventful. My chemo nurse forgot to offer me ice chips/ice pop during the Adriamycin and I didn’t realize until an hour later. I made Matt run to get ice chips so hopefully the damage wasn’t already done. Now I am worried about getting mouth sores. Ugh.

We were done with chemo at about 12:30pm and I was feeling great. Matt and I stopped on our way home to have lunch and then went to a coffee shop to do work. At about 3pm, I left Matt and went home to rest. I completely crashed and napped for about 3.5 hours. I woke up at 7:30pm to read books to Aidan before he went to sleep but was still feeling totally exhausted. I listened to my body and stayed in bed for the rest of the night.

Day 2: I didn’t have a great night sleep and woke up feeling pretty groggy. Thankfully, my amazing husband got both boys out of bed and did the whole morning routine to get them ready for school. He even picked out cute outfits for both boys, packed Aidan’s lunch, and took them to school. I couldn’t even get out of bed and felt completely useless, which for anyone that knows me, knows that I hate. Aside from the exhaustion and fogginess, this useless feeling made me feel that much worse.

The only thing that I had to do that day was go back to NYU for a shot. After my first treatment I was able to do that by myself but I just didn’t feel sharp enough to go by myself this time. Luckily, Matt was able to get away from work for an hour to take me.

With the exception of going to get my shot, I spent the entire day in bed. I was completely wiped out. I wasn’t asleep the whole time but I couldn’t even focus enough to watch a TV show or read a book. I was in a total fog and it was pretty miserable.

I was able to pull myself together enough to read Aidan a book before bed but went right to sleep afterwards.

Day 3: After another night of not great sleep, I tried to wake up early enough to shower and help get the boys ready. At 6:45am, Matt looked looked at me and said, “Go back to sleep for an hour. I got it.” I was grateful that he noticed that I needed more rest but hated that I wasn’t well enough. Again, Matt did everything to get the boys ready, but I walked Aidan and Cooper to school. It felt nice to do something so normal, but I was so tired afterwards.

Other than fatigue, the side effects that I have been experiencing are headaches and insomnia. The last two nights I have woken up at 1am(sometimes prompted by a child), but I haven’t been able to go back to sleep. I had an appointment with my acupuncturist today and when I showed her where on my head I was feeling the pain and told her what hours I was awake in the night, she taught me that that both of those are somehow connected to the liver. The chemo is causing my liver to work harder which could be the cause of my headaches.

After acupuncture, I felt energized. It was a beautiful day so I decided to walk and sit in the park. I spent over 2 hours outside just walking and sitting.

I was able to be more a part of the boys’ bedtime but went to sleep right after dinner.

Day 4: Finally, I was able to get up with the boys, get them ready, and bring them to school. With each day I start to feel more and more “normal”, but I can still feel that there is something going on in my body. I just feel a little foggy and shaky all the time. I guess that’s a good thing because hopefully that means that the chemo is doing its job, but I hate the feeling.

Chemo Status: 50% through AC which they say is the hardest on your body. 2 out of 4 AC sessions complete with 12 more T sessions to follow.

After a fun weekend with my Ruby Rose haircut, it was time to say goodbye to my hair. As I went to gel my hair on Monday morning, my hair stuck to the gel on my hands. My hair was shedding fast. I went to Bitz-and-Pieces to have my head shaved and my wig fitted. The experience of having my head shaved was not as traumatic or emotional as I had expected. It just felt like another item that had to be crossed off of my to-do list. I felt lighter after. If it wasn’t for my situation I would never have cut my hair so short or shaved my head. So, in a way, I am grateful to have had this experience.

While I haven’t had a strong reaction to my hair changes, Aidan is having a harder time with it. He has always been attached to my hair. He loved smoothing and rubbing it. At bedtime, he loved when I would shake my hair in his face. I had been preparing him for mommy’s haircut and that mommy would be wearing a wig. I even let Aidan try on my hat wigs to try to get him used to the idea. After my first haircut, I picked Aidan up from school and he didn’t even notice. I loved my short look and Aidan totally didn’t mind. His reaction after I shaved my head is a whole different story.

When he saw my shaved head he was noticeably scared. He wouldn’t come near me and didn’t want me to hug him. He asked me to cover my head and I did. He told me that he only wanted me to have real hair and not a wig (or as he calls it, a “rig”) . I listened and let him express how he was feeling but it made me incredibly sad. To have my 3.5 year old who usually doesn’t leave my side, now not want to touch me or be near me was incredibly traumatizing. I even suggested to Matt that we get Aidan “help” to cope through this. Matt, in his pragmatic ways, told me to give it a few days and that before we know it, Aidan would be back to being my little sidekick.

For the next few days I covered my head with a wig when I was around him so that he would see me with hair. Walking to school one morning he shouted, “Mommy, what’s on your head?” “A hat”, I replied. “No mom, it’s a wig!”

Just as Matt anticipated, it took him a day or two to adjust and let me touch him, but now everything seems normal. I was resting in bed wearing a beanie, without any hair, and Aidan came in to lay with me and didn’t even hesitate. I was relieved. Seeing me without any hair was a huge shock to him and I am happy that he realized that I’m still mommy, hair or no hair.